Odyssey Tour 2019

It’s been a week since tour finished. Today has been my first day with no plans since May 20^th and I’ve been tidying my flat. I never fully unpacked from any of the times I was away, a camping chair still leans against my bookcases, there’s tickertape everywhere, flower crowns seem to multiply and I’ve just stuck the last of the tickets from Europe up on my ticket wall. Tears fill my eyes just writing this.

My tour began, like so many people’s, on opening night, in Sheffield, on April 12^th. Like the tour before it, the first night was a bit meh, the boys nerves slightly apparent and the Thatters trying to take it all in. The general consensus was good, we all missed the Pray dance and there wasn’t enough chat but all overall it was a great show. An agonising sixteen days later I finally saw my second show, and then my third, in Dublin. Again, great, but no one in the seats stood and I couldn’t even see the B Stage.

Then came London, where I did all but the last show because I had to work. I lost my voice entirely, which is super fun when you work in retail. The O2 is always a favourite of mine, my adopted hometown, a great venue, getting to go home every night, rather to a random hotel. It was during the O2 dates that I started to notice the little tour quirks, the different suits, the little dance moves, the same questions asked to the audience. By the time The O2 was over I’d done half my shows. A particular highlight was when the king of Instagram during tour, Mark, replying to my comment one night. I was in an Uber at the time and I think I may have slightly terrified my driver.

A day off and a half price ticket brought me to Birmingham for 7 hours. Bristol brought back the queues and the pushiest crowd I’d ever known but we got barrier and I got interaction off Mark and it was all worth it.

Liverpool came the following week, a show I was a bit nervous about. The crowds had been pushy in Bristol, surely they’d be worse in Liverpool? But after ending up with no one to go with, I befriended people in the queue and then around me at barrier. No one pushed, no one shoved, the atmosphere was incredible, the boys were so happy, magic floated through the air on a soundwave. It was my favourite show of the tour, without doubt.

When the boys announced the tour last year and we soon found out it was going be mostly seated, I decided to make the tour about something else. Usually, tour is about barrier and clinging onto that front row for dear life because my god you have put the work in. It’s about queuing (or camping which I have never done), barrier runs, getting all the interaction you can and having the best time with your mates around you.  

This tour there was a VIP option, more expensive tickets for a closer view. I decided that I’d rather do more shows further away, than a few up close. And so came Europe. I was going to follow the boys around Europe, not only seeing them but exploring a bunch of cities at the same time. I talked about it so much, made plans and lists. And it wasn’t until I was standing in the middle of Amsterdam that it seemed real.

Paris I had been to before, Brussels I had no expectations for. But I have always wanted to go to Amsterdam and stood in the city centre, surrounded by canals and with bikes shooting by, it all felt real.

Paris was the first night of the European shows, it was my bestie’s first ever TT concert. I kept grabbing her and screeching ‘Mark’s wearing a shiny suit!’ The minute Shine started-‘It’s a different setlist, it’s a different setlist!’ shortly followed by ‘OH MY GOD THEY’RE DOING THE PRAY DANCE’. It was a shorter show but it was intimate and just them and it was wonderful.

The following night in Brussels, we realised they were going to be wearing different outfits every night and it became something I looked forward to each day. That night Mark politely moaned about the bad lighting, even singing ‘Baby when the lights stay up’ during Everlasting. It showed the vast contrast between the tightly tuned shows in the UK and the smaller ones in Europe, as amazing as both shows were.

During the Amsterdam gig, they were the chattiest I’ve ever seen them. The Europe dates were a gift of flamboyant outfits and band banter and it gave much truth to those words we say to so many people ‘No, not each show is the same, every single show is different’. If I had a pound for every time someone asked if I got bored, or was it not the same show, I’d have enough money to go to even more concerts.

Berlin was a ridiculously hot tent, Howard in an eye patch and Mark in a sequinned red ensemble. The more camp that man got the more I loved him.

After Berlin I was in work for five days straight (going to work straight from the airport) and then off to Vienna. The venue felt like a school hall, Howard ended up stage diving and all I could picture was James and Paul freaking the fuck out. Mark liked my Instagram whilst I was on the tram back and I got stared at by a load of Austrians as tears rolled down my face, clutching my phone going ‘Oh my god, oh my god’

In Rome I ended up second row, the day so hot, and with the boys in their Dolce and Gabanna. I felt so aware during the whole gig that this was a pinnacle, that it was ending tomorrow. That I was in Rome, in a tiny venue, within touching distance of the boys, an actual dream while it’s happening. Then came the final night in Zurich, I spent the entire gig crying. I haven’t really stopped since.

I miss the boys. I miss the travelling. I miss the dad dancing. I miss Mark’s pink suit, Mark’s Elvis leg, Mark’s manbun, Mark’s bandana, Mark’s crazy dancing, Mark’s little speeches, Mark’s cowboy hat, Mark’s general existence. I miss the little dance moves and moments between the boys, the fistbumps in Never Forget and Gary and Mark jumping together during Get Ready for It. I miss them all sharing a mic during Everlasting. I miss Everlasting. I miss doing the Never Forget arms. I miss getting annoyed at how Lulu got the loudest cheers every single night. I miss the motorbikes. I miss the trampolines.  I miss the going crazy to Cry and crying at Said It All. I miss the tickertape. I miss the mass singsongs and the arm waving and the feeling so fucking happy in the moment.

Following a band around on tour, or even going to more than one show, even just loving a band so much you can hardly explain it, it’s a thing people don’t tend to get. I bet if a man told someone they’d seen their favourite football team countless times no one would bat an eyelid. Passion seems to fathom people, but it seems to fathom them far more when it’s women supporting men putting on a concert, rather than men supporting men kicking a ball around a field.

But here’s the thing, it’s happiness. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. It’s friendship and loyalty and joy and memories. This tour was special. You could see how much it meant to the boys, how much fun they were having and how much they love each other. Mark said in Zurich about Everlasting ‘It’s a song from us to you, but also from you to us’ and it summed it all up.

These songs, these boys, these friendships we’ve made, these memories we make mean so much to all of us, the boys and the Thatters. And we’re all so aware of it, so grateful for it.

During this tour, I saw Take That twenty times in thirteen different cities in nine different countries. I walked around the Colosseum, took a canal tour through Amsterdam, saw the Eiffel Tower light up at night, marvelled at the artwork on the Berlin wall, strolled through palace grounds in Vienna, ate Belgian chocolate and fries, and paddled in Lake Zurich. I took thousands of photos, ate a lot of chips(being  vegetarian and dairy free in Paris is super fun) and adventured with my friends, some of whom had never seen the boys before. It was the tour of a lifetime.

These are the worst post tour blues I’ve ever felt. This tour was two and a half months, the longest in a while. From the Royal Albert Gig at the end of March until the last show in Zurich on June 30^th, the longest gap I had between seeing Take That was sixteen days. And now they’re having a break. A well deserved one, but it makes me so sad to not know when I’ll see Mark Owen’s face again. And that a tour that I talked about for so long, that seemed to last forever and yet fly by, is actually over.

Of course I realise how lucky I am, to be able to have done as many shows as I did and to have gone to so many places. I’ll look back on it soon and barely be able to believe it and how good it was. It already feels like so long ago. Thatters and non Thatter but I’m trying to convert friends, love you. Boys, love you and miss you. Until next time, a hundred years, a million more, I’m by your side.

2018

I was just looking back through my Insta stories and realising how packed this year has been. I made a pact with myself at the start of the year to do something every month, a show, a concert, a trip or such like. And I did just that. 

As with always, I've set out to do what makes me happy as much as I can. I still don't have the career I want and am still woefully single but I've done what I wanted to do. I read books(107), I went to shows, I reveled in all that London has to offer, and did it with the people I love. 

Concerts: Harry Styles, Gary Barlow x 5, Take That(Hits Radio Live, there were other people there too, I didn't pay them much attention)

Musicals: 42nd Street, Kinky Boots, Aladdin, Hamilton, Heathers, Company, The Band x 5, Chicago x 5

Other events: NTAs, Harry Potter exhibition at the British Library, A Monster Calls play, Spice World in Regents Park, Caroline at Build, Aftersun

The only month which was eventless was March, due to snow(I was meant to to see The Band and Imagine Dragons) but I did meet the boys that month which more than made up for it. 

I also met Caroline quite a few times, Gary by himself in October, the usual spattering of celebs at work, and amazingly Jude Law and Eddie Redmayne at Platform 9 3/4 on September 1st. 

I had the most amazing two week trip to Portugal with my family, and also visited Bristol, Bath, Manchester, Brighton and went home as often as I could(in May I basically lived at the airport). 

The biggest and best thing that happened was that I moved into my own flat, which is an actual life dream, to have my own flat in London. It's filled with books and yellow things and Take That memorabilia and I couldn't love it more. It is the most fantastic feeling in the world having my own space and I cherish it every day. 

Low points of the year: Getting my phone stolen right out of my hand on Regent St just before Christmas, the snow in March, my awful ex-housemates and that time I went into anaphylactic shock due to antibiotics I was taking and ended up in A&E via an ambulance

Highlights: Repealing the eighth(hey to the yes, the north next), moving flat, Portugal, meeting the boys and Caz as Roxie in Chicago. 

Favourite album of the year: Odyssey by Take That, Everlasting being my favourite song

Favourite movie of the year: Honestly can't even remember that many movies but I really enjoyed Mamma Mia 2, The Greatest Showman and Mary Poppins Returns

Favourite telly show of the year: Love Island, of course. I got to watch the final in the cinema and it was ace. Jack and Dani 4evs. I also binged The Good Place which was forking incredible, rewatched the David Tennant era of Doctor Who and weeped quite a bit, rewatched Grey's Anatomy until that episode and rewatched the wholesome Great British Bake Off(the BBC years). Mostly when I should have been watching new shows I stuck on Gilmore Girls instead. 

During my Strictly viewing I fell down a shipper hole and here I am a fully fledged shipper of Joe Sugg and Dianne Buswell. I never thought by the start of the year I'd be a Joe Sugg stan but there you go, I am powerless to adorable couples and group chats which aid obsessions. 

Favourite books of the year: Always a toughy. Books I rated 5 stars are 

•  Better Me by Gary Barlow
•  A Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor
•  How To Stop Time by Matt Haig
• I'd Rather Be Reading by Anne Bogel
• Wundersmith by Jessica Townsend
• Muse of Nightmares by Laini Taylor
• Lethal White by J.K. Rowling
• You, Me, Everything by Catherine Isaac
• My Life Next Door by Huntley Fitzpatrick
• How To Be Famous by Caitlin Moran
• The Astonishing Colour of After by Emily X.R. Pan
• The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender by Leslye Walton
• Every Note Played by Lisa Genova
• The Phanthom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
• Mad Girl by Bryony Gordon
• Windfall by Jennifer E. Smith
• The Summer of Impossible Things by Rowan Coleman

I rated a lot of books 4 stars as well but I'll be here all day listing those. A good reading year! It always is. A resolution I'll never need to make is to read more. 

So all in all, 2018, a few dips of horrendousness here and there, was pretty fantastic. Shout out to my incredible friends, for the laughs and the memories and the general putting up with me, and to my wonderful immediate family who are there for me no matter what. Also shout out to Take That and Caroline Flack, my fandom loves, for giving me much entertainment and happiness throughout the year. 2019 is gonna be a good one, bring it on! Over and out, 2018, you've been a wild ride. 

My most favourite person that I don’t actually know

I’ve met Mark Owen once. Twice kinda. It was on the same day. I met him at Radio 1, got a quick selfie(and ended up getting papped) and then later the same day at an album signing. I thanked him for making my whole life better, he went ‘Awww bless you!’. I nearly cried on him.

I’ve seen him in person more than I’ve seen the vast majority of my family, all but the very immediate really. But I don’t actually know him. He has no idea who I am and yet he’s one of my favourite people. Favourite popstar, favourite singer, favourite face. With it’s dimples and smiles, often with a hat atop his tousled, mind of it’s own hair.

As Take That fans, we all have our own favourites, the hard working and thoughtful Gary, the filthy minded and hilarious Howard. And there’s Mark. I met a customer at work yesterday who noticed the Take That pin around my lanyard and we got chatting. She said everything about Mark made you want to cuddle him and it’s so true. He’s just cute, undeniably cute, and so so lovely.

His laugh is infectious, he’s the biggest dork. He causes delays at signings and walking through crowds because he takes so long with each fan. He takes time with people and he makes you feel happier. Just by existing.

It’s a funny concept loving someone so much that you don’t even know. A few years back Mark made me question that you could think you knew someone but really have no idea. That facades can shatter quite dramatically. But then also there came the realisation that doing bad things doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. That mistakes can happen, big mistakes and you can just try to better yourself and move on. And still be the kind of person who finds it a little offensive not to write more than one letter in your signature.

I’ve always had a thing for cute people, and short people and people with tattoos(hello Caroline Flack and Preston to name but a few) so it’s no surprise I became a Mark girl when I got in Take That. And continued to be as he showed just how sweet and kind and adorable he was.

The kind of person to walk along an entire line of people during a tv show recording and ask them what they liked on their chips(oh mayo, my little girl Fox likes mayo on her chips), or do a somersault with his daughter in the middle of a phone interview with Australia. Or do an Instagram Christmas countdown which involved elf outfits and sporadic appearances of his dog. And all these things just make your day a little bit better, help make life a bit more bearable.

Mark, and his mates, have, been there when my family have been sick or dying, when I felt lonely in school, when I moved country all alone. Just listening to his voice would help and then when you see him and the boys live it can’t help but be just the best thing ever, when he smiles or sings right at you and you feel for a moment that he does know you, if only for just those fleeting magical few seconds.

It’s Mark birthday today, he’s 46, when I first started loving Take That he was 34. And he’s still the same, still down to earth and humble and kind and sweet and that something that makes him Mark Owen. The one who wears anything shiny or tasselled along with his high heeled boots and hats. The only one who’d ever wear a sequinned jumpsuit or ‘that bloody coat’. Because he’s Mark. The wonderful Mark Owen, my most favourite person that I don’t actually know. 

2017

It’s funny how the end of the calendar year makes us reflect on life more than most days do. It’s not like we look back at the last 12 months on March 21^st or September 2^nd. Alas it’s when the last number of the date changes we look back and think of all that has happened. And 2017 has taught, reminded and affirmed for me, that finding what you love and doing it as much as possible is what life is all about. That friendship is more important than almost anything. That you should hold the family you adore close to your heart. That you should always chase your dreams and follow the whims in life which make you all feel aflutter.

2017 for me, as a fan and as a Thatter, as with any year there is a tour was defined by exactly that. 2017 was the year we went to Wonderland. Was the year that I saw the Wonderland Tour 18 times, that I went to Fusion Festival, saw the opening night of ‘The Band’ and was in the tiny audience of ‘An Evening with Take That’ and ‘Let it Shine’. It was barriers and queues and never ending travelling. It was joyous and exhausting and along the way, well it stunned us all.

I’ve tried many times before to explain the happiness that concerts bring. And I still don’t think that you can fully understand unless you feel it too. You feel it in your bones and in your soul, a light and a euphoria that seeps right through you. To make memories with your friends, with people who get it, and the band whom you love to the moon and back. It’s always worth every second of time, every penny of money. It always will be and 2017 showed that yet again to be true.

A little tally:

Trips outside of London in 2017: Dublin, Dublin, Birmingham, Newcastle, Dublin, Manchester, Sheffield, Norwich, Manchester, Dublin, Manchester, Liverpool, Faro, Southend, Bristol and Dublin. A total of 16 trips, mostly which shows that when I’m not stalking the favs I go home a lot.

Musicals seen: The Girls, Half a Sixpence, The Band, Dreamgirls and Crazy For You x 2. My fav, the wonderful Caroline Flack was in the latter musical for a short time and I got to see her twice and Caz was unfailingly lovely. The Band was incredible, like watching my life on stage, really must go again soon.

Concerts and TV shows attended: Besides the 19 Take That concerts, I saw An Evening With Take That where Mark Owen was magic and Let it Shine where I watched Mark laugh for 2 hours. Literally there is no other way I’d rather spend my time. Watched Harry Potter and The Philosopher’s Stone with a live orchestra in the Royal Albert Hall which was spellbinding. And I saw Olly Murs’ tour in Dublin and accidentally grabbed his crotch. I still feel violated.

Books read: 106. A personal best. Next to seeing the boys live, reading is my absolute favourite thing to do and I managed to do a lot of it this year. Additionally started writing my third novel which I plan on completing in 2018.

Fav telly show: I don’t watch much telly anymore, since I don’t own one, but Love Island, fronted by my fav, has to get a shout out. It garnered endless conversations in work with customers and staff alike given its addictiveness.  I met Gabby and Marcel in Liverpool but my favourite post Love Island moment was when Camilla showed up at my workplace, right outside our team brief and I shouted ‘It’s Camilla!!’ and everyone rushed to the door to stare, like she was royalty. Well she was certainly Love Island royalty.

Other highlights: When Gary Barlow read my blog! And the fact that Mark's water bottle sits on my bookshelf. Pride(I really must actually go to Pride next year rather than working but it’s nevertheless wonderful to just be a part of), Harry Potter Book Night in Feb(Hufflepuff Pride for life y’all) and whenever I went home. On top of that honestly just whenever I felt happy with the people I love. The people I cherish know I adore them. So thanks to anyone that I chatted with in a queue, screamed with on a barrier, moaned to in a sort room (oh hey fav work people), grabbed drinks with, got a meal with, went to pubs and parks and bookshops with and anything else besides. You truly make my life and made my 2017 better. Here’s to more fun, to more laughs and books and concerts and joy and memories in 2018. Let’s make it a good one. 

10 years ago

10 years ago I was seventeen and now I’m twenty-seven (for anyone atrocious at maths). 10 years ago I was in my last year of school studying for my final exams and now I work full time in retail.10 years ago I was living in a country I didn’t want to live in and now I live in a city I adore. 10 years ago, I was single, now I still am. 10 years ago I saw my favourite band live for the first time and now I’ve seen them live forty-seven times.

This a band called Take That. Surprise, I quite like them, ok I love them more than about a handful of people in my life. Take That, the Mancunian man band who’ve been around as long as I’ve been alive(I was born 4 days before they formed). The band who have given me friendships and memories and the best times of my life. The band who sometimes just give me an anchor on which to tether myself when times are low. This day ten years ago I was on my way to The 02 in London to see them live for the very first time. I thought I loved Take That back then. And I did, I loved them the way teenage girls love anything, ferociously and passionately, with my whole heart and soul. I loved them with delirium and screams and mania. The love teenage girls have could power the world with it’s energy.

I loved them back then but there’s a different love once you’ve seen them live. And a different love once you’ve met them. And a different love when seeing them all the time becomes your regular life. I love Take That, but in a different way now I loved them back then. I love them now with candour, dedication and uncomplicated adoration. I adore them, everybody knows I adore them but I wouldn’t be as frenzied about it now, I’d like to think.

I got into Take That back in 2006, I was 15, in school, hating it for the most part. I love learning but it took the internet and emigrating for me to find more than a handful of people I would consider friends.

Back when I was 17, I was hysterical. I got banned for watching them whilst eating cos I choked like twice when they were on the telly. My Ultimate Tour DVD was watched constantly, I listened to them all the time. I was young and stuck in a country where no one I knew cared about Take That.

My mum got us tickets to see them on the Beautiful World tour in London and Manchester(at the time I asked why would we go twice, oh past me you had no idea). I couldn’t believe I was going to be in the same room as them. As Take That! As dirty and witty Howard, as philosophical Jason, as the captain of the ship Gary. As foot stomping, hat wearing, Shine singing, the most adorable and my favourite member then and now Mark.

When I turned up to the arena and saw their picture outside I let out such a noise my mum said she didn’t think it was possible for humans to scream that loud. We were in the gods, Block 416, Row R but I barely cared. I’m not sure I would have managed front row off the bat to be quite honest. Every single one of my pictures from that night is blurry. Two weeks later in Manchester, I was excited that I could see their shoes clearly from my seat(block 214 in the MEN, going up in the world).

And then the next ten years happened, ten years that seventeen year old me could never imagine. Meeting Jason on a bench, meeting the rest of them at a signing. Thanking Mark for making my whole life better and him going ‘Oh bless you’. Meeting Gary three times and the reassurance of his bearhugs. Having Mark’s water bottle sitting on my bookshelf (he threw it to me at a show, I don’t just have it). Gary having read my blog and DMing me saying it was beautiful. Seeing them live in 9 different cities and 15 different venues. Countless front rows, barrier runs, the solo tours and the tv shows.

Watching Howard DJ and then running through Manchester trying to get to the Lowry before he did, going to a football match just to see Mark. Seeing them at Jonathan Ross and singing Happy Birthday to Gary, seeing them at the Royal Albert Hall, watching the recording of ‘An Evening with Take That’ and witnessing Mark ask an entire row of people what they liked on their chips.

Endless queues, standing in the cold, sitting in the cold, burning in the sun, drowning in the rain, freezing in the snow. Gripping onto barrier with your mates all around you, singing your heart out, and feeling happier than anywhere else. Ticker tape and clapping and dancing and laughing and smiling so much your face hurts. Because look, it’s them, they’re right in front of you, singing the songs that make your heart beat with reverence. And oh look, they’re interacting with you. And you’re weeping and grinning because this is your happy place and they’ve just made it even more joyous.

Within ten years we’ve had lasers and pole-dancing, elephants and aerialists, robots and puppets, flying cars and human carousels. Yet the best feeling is doing the Never Forget claps or hearing 80,000 people singing Rule the World. The boys love the spectacle, we love the spectacle but more than anything we love that deep down joy of feeling at home and being surrounded by love and awe.

10 years on, being front row is the norm, grabbing their hands is the norm. I still die if any of them sing at me or wave at me or interact with me in any way during a show. People say ‘they must know you’ and I know they have no idea, that people have met them countless times and they know them. But I like to think in amongst a crowd the boys would recognise me as a familiar face.

I’ve been called all sorts in the last ten years, crazy about summing it up. We all have but I don’t care, I know none of us do. Because those boys make us happy and surely being happy is the most important thing of all?

10 years on, I’ve moved country all alone, I’ve had three jobs and lived in seven different houses. My life has taken many a twist and turn but the boys have been my constant. Take That have saved my life in more ways than they’ll ever know.

Seventeen year old me would be ecstatic with my life now. Maybe not the single thing, but the whole living in London and seeing Take That all the time thing, yes.  Ten years ago I was really just started on my Thatter journey and here I am ten years later, so grateful for it all and so looking forward to all the joy and fun and love and memories the future holds. 

The last three years

This day three years ago my parents dropped me off at Dublin airport with my giant suitcase full of my favourite clothes and a few books, I was going to try to move to London. I was to be staying in student digs for a month in Camden and if I got a job I got to stay. I remember sobbing that first night because everyone was so damn noisy. I was oddly homesick at first for someone who’d wanted to live in London since she was 15.

I spent 5 weeks in Camden and then moved onto my friend’s couch for a month. I managed to find and lose an office job in that time. Also during that time Jason Orange announced he was leaving Take That. The lowest point I ever had in London was around that period. I had to stay in a hotel for a night and I was wandering around in the dark, completely lost, broke and unemployed and so desperately sad. I sat down in a bus stop and absolutely wept, the whole body shaking and it feels like it will never stop type weeping. I eventually got up and found my hotel and slept away some of the sorrow.

Not long after I had to leave my friend’s couch and I ended up in a house share with 8 other people and with a job just down the road. The house was awful and so was the job. The house had constantly changing housemates so I’d often open the door to my room and find myself faced with some new people who said they lived there.

The worst was a guy who had no job, was constantly smoking and drinking in his room and would stare a lot. One time I opened my door and he was just standing at the bottom of the stairs staring up at me. We all complained to the landlord and he eventually came round and said the guy was late on the rent and if he didn’t pay it he was kicking him out. The crazy guy ended up ringing the police who came around, got very annoyed at everyone and left. Eventually crazy guy went for a walk and we all helped the landlord pile his stuff outside the house. Later on he kept knocking and we found a knife on the doorstep and a few of us saw him wandering around the Tube station.

Safe to say, I started to look for another place to live. The next place was a house with seven housemates and they all seemed nice enough. Until the couple next door moved in with their dog. I’m terrified of dogs and this dog was huge and constantly in the house and I’d have to shout down from my room every time I wanted to pee. It was degrading and I felt ousted by that dog.

These housemates liked to party too, until 7am with a full on sound system. Oh and coke. One morning one housemate asked another, whilst pointing at white powder on the kitchen counter ‘Is that baking powder or coke?’ The housemate licked it and declared it baking powder.

I ended up staying in a hotel for 2 days and just sleeping and yet again found myself looking for somewhere else to live. Just before a Take That tour was due to start. I went to opening night in Glasgow, came home, packed up all my stuff and moved down the road.

House number 3 seemed ok at first. I wasn’t there a lot during the first few weeks because of the tour. I was living with 2 guys, a 50 year old Aussie who was the landlord and a 30 year gay teacher from up north (one of the very few decent housemates I’ve had in London). Everything was going ok until another guy moved in.

Back when I gave up my 6 day working week (which I was doing to fund the tour) and realised I had every Friday and Saturday along with Sunday night off, I started to invite people over to visit. Caroline and Olly were presenting X Factor at the time and every weekend I was watching them or hosting my friends.

My landlord said my friends could stay in the spare room when they came to visit until this guy moved into the spare room and my friends suddenly had to stay in the living room. Which wasn’t an issue until my friends turned up late from their flight one day and wanted a nap. The guy was in the living room and I asked he’d mind going somewhere else as my friends needed to sleep. He flat out refused, an argument issued and the guy threatened to hit my friend.

My friends went to stay in a hotel, I never spoke to the guy again and my landlord had a go at me for not approaching the situation well. On the day it came out that Olly had been snogging randoms at the XF wrap party, just a few days before I went home for Christmas, my landlord texted and asked me to leave. He phrased it like he was doing me a favour, that I needed to live with younger people and could I move asap. That was another day spent weeping in bed.

After I came back home after Christmas, I went to view a few places, quite fed up at this point after 18 months in London that I was moving for the 6^th time. I got a message on Spareroom.com, two architects needing someone to fill their third bedroom, it was twenty minutes away. There was no drugs (well besides weed), no dogs, no mice(which house number 3 was infested with, another nightmare along with shouty threatening man), no parties, no crazy men. Just two nice people in their twenties in a nice flat.

I’m still here now, a year and a half later and my god unless I win the Lotto I don’t want to move anytime soon.

The second job I had, which came with house 1 was in a snooker hall. I did it for a year and a half and looking back I don’t know how. I know the reasons, they let me go on tour and I had every weekend off for X Factor. And during X Factor 2015, Carolly were my whole life. I started because it was convenient until I could take it no more. I was doing 11 hour shifts, with no official break, cooking, cleaning and bar tending for £5.75 an hour. The people were homophobic, racist and sexist. One refused to accept bisexual was real and declared me was ‘lezza-straight’.

I could write a few thousand words on the awful things I heard in my time there. There were a couple lovely people, including a woman who was like my surrogate mum, but for the most part, awful. The customers were rude, I was cooking meat, I was up until 4am every day. I was just angry the whole time and I am not an angry person for the most part.

In March 2016, I reached the end of my tether. I asked if I could go home for my mum’s birthday and was told no and the same night I had the rudest customers alive. I basically shouted ‘I’ve had enough!’ and started hunting for a job properly the next day.

5 weeks later and I was out of there, waving goodbye and being so glad to be gone. I went off to Topshop, ‘the big one’ and I’ve remained ever since. It’s not my dream job, I doubt being paid minimum wage to deal with customers on a tourist heavy street is anyone’s, but it’s good. The people, for the most part, are great, they’re diverse and accepting and kind. And it can be really fun. Today I saw Gabby and Marcel from Love Island, screamed when they played Take That and watched customers dance around to the DJ.

Writing all this up it reads like a lot of bad stuff has happened since I moved here. But nothing, oh nothing, no matter how bad will erase all the good. And I have had the best times since I moved to London. Being in this city gives you the ability to do so many things. To run down to the BBC during your lunch to meet Gary Barlow, to go to last minute gigs and book signings, to serve Caroline Flack on the till at work and for her to go ‘Oh it’s you! I haven’t seen you in ages!’, to wander down Southbank and marvel at the prettiness, to walk around at Christmas and beam at the pretty lights.

When I was younger and said I wanted to move to London no one but my mum would listen. They said I’d realise I loved the country I lived in and see the grass wasn’t greener, they said London wasn’t as good as I thought. But oh no, it’s better. Since I have moved here I have:

Been to 32 Take That concerts, along with seeing them live at The Royal Albert Hall and at Jonathan Ross. I also got to see An Evening with Take That live and a 3 minute song outside the BBC. I’ve met them all, I’ve met Gary twice and I love them more than ever.

Met Caroline Flack so many times that she now knows who I am. I don’t think she ever remembers my name but she greets me warmly, with a big hug and an ‘Oh hey!’ She is the loveliest person ever every single time and always chats to you like you’re her mate. I haven’t seen her in ages actually, could do with a new selfie.

Met Olly Murs so many times I’ve long since lost count, not that I care much about Olly alone, he was just always kinda there.

Met: Chris O’Dowd, Dermot O’Leary, Preston (at an Ordinary Boys gig where I went alone and eventually had one the band escort me in to the venue because he didn’t want me to feel lonely, 16 year old me died) and a whole bunch of people at work including Matt Edmonson, Sara Cox, Melody from PCD, Sophia Smith (Liam Payne’s ex), Stephanie Pratt and Amelia Lily.

Been to a lot of tv show recordings-I saw Take That at Jonathan Ross and Let It Shine, One Direction(and Ian Mckellen!) at Graham Norton, Daniel Radcliffe at The Last Leg, Caroline at Loose Women and a recording of Strictly where she did the quickstep(I also told Claudia Winkleman she was hilarious and she turned around and went ‘Oh thank you!’). I went to A Night With Olly Murs and cried so hard at having seen Caroline and Olly in real life together for the first time, that people asked Olly’s musicians if he could hug me, because I looked so upset, nope just emotional.

I practically lived at X Factor in 2015, I saw a lot of audition shows, some of Six Chair challenge, two live shows and both nights of the final. I saw Little Mix, One Direction, Coldplay, Leona Lewis and Adele all sing for free. I also saw Caroline and Olly kiss and cried so much at that that yet again people around us were very concerned.

Seen a lot of musicals and plays and such like, (the joys of being able to leave work at 7 and see a show that evening), the most exciting being Harry Potter and The Cursed Child. Also watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone with a full orchestra at The Royal Albert Hall which was magical, and saw the midnight screening of Fantastic Beasts which made my heart swell with fandom love. Yes I moved to London to July 31^st for a reason.

Take That aside, I’ve been to the concerts of Olly (4 times, I think?), Birdy, Busted, George Shelley and someone I’ve probably forgotten.

I’ve spent countless evenings in the Natural History Museum, many many more in my favourite place in the whole of London, Waterstones Piccadilly. I have my favourite walks and places and things to do. And most of all, best of all, I have my friends.

I met one of my closest friends, L.J, on Platform 9 ¾ on September 1^st, no word of a lie, last year we told the guys at Pottermore about it and ended up on their Instagram and Twitter. Another bunch of people came to me that day via the London Nerdfighters. One of the girls added me to the group who did meet ups all the time and when I finally had my Friday’s back to myself, I went and befriended a wonderful bunch of nerds. They made London life better, especially the wonderful Jess, Julia and Zahra.

Going on two proper Take That tours (12 and 18 times respectively) has increased my Thatter friend rankings a hell of a lot and my god does it make tours more fun. Thatters are what make my tour now and I’m so grateful for that. I got Mark’s water bottle! Gary Barlow read my blog! Hyde Park was the best night ever! Nothing will ever beat being at barrier with your mates!

I got to go meet my friend Cate in Paris which involved a nine hour bus journey and just twelve hours there but boy was that an experience, a surreal and glorious experience.

My work friends, my wonderful work friends. My workplace has a very fast turnover but I have met people at work who I cherish dearly and am so the better for meeting.

Before I moved here, I had a handful of Irish friends and a whole bunch of internet friends, whom I still adore of course even if I don’t see them as much (and when I do it’s awesome). But for the first while in London I was quite lonely, as much as I didn’t want to be I was.

It’s funny really, I never thought I’d be able to live without Sky+ or a telly or a microwave or the sea. And most of all I miss my tumble dryer and now I can’t live without Uber or Netflix or Amazon Prime, or my travelcard or the Tube. Really mostly what I can’t live without is people and this city and my concerts and my books.

The last year, living in the same house, having the same job, having my magnificent friends, I have felt finally settled. My friends have been there for many a day strolling around markets and parks and shops. For card games in pubs and far too many farewell parties. For concerts and telly shows and the many London pop-ups. When I was 14 and being bullied, all alone and confused, I had no friends. I think a part of me still can’t believe people like me for me, a part of me is still always baffled that I’m surrounded by people who love me and want to spend time with me. I can barely fathom it sometimes.

Living in London has enabled me to be fully me. To come out as bisexual and be comfortable with it, to run around to concerts on a whim, to be a huge nerd, to read copious books (and to write two), to be unapologetically in love with this city and this country. I know I’ve grown in confidence since I’ve moved here, without a doubt. I’ve come a long way from struggling to leave my Camden room because of my anxiety three years ago.

So thank you to my friends, to Take That, to Caroline Flack, to my house and my work and to London for letting me be me and giving me so much to love and to do and to wonder about. I can’t wait for more adventures in this bloody brilliant place I call home. 

Tour life

Queuing. Numbers on hands. Wristbands. Dealing with queue jumpers and barrier pushers. Having no time or money or energy. Having to try to get as much holiday as possible at work. Having everyone at work think you’re crazy. Having everyone think you’re crazy. Ticket co-ordination. Car runs. Back seats full of duvets and camping chairs. Lots of trains and even more Ubers. Forgetting what day it is. Waking up and not remembering which city you’re in. Seeing nothing of the city you’ve come to see them in. Finding a random supermarket and getting your queue food. Never looking at your bank account. Tickertape everywhere, in your pockets, on your floor, in your bra. Everywhere. Never ending selfies. Tour outfits and glitter and butterflies and flowers. ‘Do you not get bored?’ ‘Is it not the same show?’ ‘Do you work for them?’ ‘Do Take That know you?’ ‘How can you afford that?’

Getting takeaway to the queue. Having a drink in the queue. Sleeping in the queue. Spending pretty much your whole life in the queue. Arts and crafts in the queue. Trying to think of a good banner or dozen. Having everyone know the lingo when you usually spend a lot of time explaining. Meeting new friends in the queue, seeing old friends in the queue. Rain, wind, sunshine, all in the one day. Walking from the unofficial queue to the official queue in a sea of chairs and duvets and inflatables whilst the general public stares bemused. The queue looking like an abandoned village once you’ve left it. Planning your barrier strategy. Barrier runs. ‘No running’ ‘I’m walking fast!’ The joy of getting barrier. Barrier selfies. ‘SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN’. Starfishing. Not being afraid to use your elbows to get cheeky people away from your spot.

Learning to love the support act. Learning all their dance moves without even meaning to. Pascal. That moment when the arena goes black and everyone screams and your heart jumps. And then the boys come on stage and your heart fills with joy. Dancing like a loon. Trying not to take too many pictures but taking too many anyway. The band intro. The tickertape. The fire. The jump. ‘Do you feel like giants?’ Thrusting your hand forward with your index fingers sticking out cos that’s pretty much every single Take That dance move. The cast. The band and Kev and James and Paul. Doing the Relight arms over the barrier. Howard hanging in the air. Learning to love the medley and How Deep is Your Love. The stairs. Podiums. The very flamboyant outfits. Gary’s hair. Mark’s tassles and high shoes and hats. Howard’s booty shaking.

The joy whenever the boys have a cute moment with one another. The disbelief and exhilaration when they interact with you. And then turning to your mates around you and screaming about it and everyone being chuffed for you. You being chuffed for other people’s interaction. The Superstar rockstar moment. The gorgeousness of Hope but also dancer’s bums. Seeing not one bit of Shine. The New Day intro. The Back for Good arms. The hunger games battle for Mark’s water bottle.  ‘We usually save our thank yous to the end’ No you don’t, you liars. The Pray dance, which NEVER gets old. The moment they all share the mic. Loving hearing the audience gasp at the production. Knowing when things don’t work. The beauty of It’s All For You. Gary’s bed. The epicness of The Flood. Going crazy to Cry and then not being able to breathe. ‘Everybody get down low’ Saying you don’t really care about a handshake but then when they walk by you suddenly want a handshake. Dancing to These Days on the barrier. The Never Forget claps. Looking around in awe at the synchronicity of it all. Even more tickertape. The arena filling with lights for Rule the World.

The boys saying bye and then you standing there dazed at the whole thing and how the last two hours lasted two minutes. And then getting about 3 hours kip before you do it all over again. 

And all of it, all of it being about being with your mates. And the boys being there. Singing and dancing and sharing moments together. Making memories. The sheer joy you feel when you’re on the barrier and everyone around you is singing and you grin at your mates and you know that this is home. The tour bubble has its own magic. Where nothing else matters but tour. Because it’s special. It’s doing what you love with the people you love for a few weeks and having the best time ever. Not caring that you’re sick and broken and poor and tired. Because nothing else matters. Nothing but those hours of absolute happiness. Nothing but tour life. 

Living my best life

Yesterday was nine years since I finished school. Nine years ago I was an insecure 17 year old who loved Take That and London and books. Yesterday I got a train back from Manchester to my house in London after seeing Take That four times in the space of a week. I went and saw the Ordinary Boys (I was obsessed with Preston and his then wife when I was 17) with a friend in the evening.

When I left school I had no idea what I wanted to do. I knew London was the goal eventually. Somehow I ended up studying nursing for a while, that didn’t go too well. I don’t regret it but it was a bad decision. A couple of years later I ended up studying English and Linguistics. I didn’t particularly enjoy studying it but it was a far better choice than nursing.

And now I live in London, I work on Oxford Street and I have an amazing bunch of friends. On top of that I still very much love Take That (and books of course) and currently I’m travelling around the UK seeing them over and over again. It’s completely exhausting but it’s amazing. Mark Owen sang right at me on Friday and I melted. There’s still a part of me that is forever my 17 year old self not being able to believe any of this is real.

People may think I’m crazy or I have better ways to spend my time or money. But truthfully I don’t. I don’t know what people expect me to do with my time and money but I was always under the illusion that being happy was of great importance.

I may not have a powerful job or an other half but that to me isn’t what matters right now. What matters is I’m happy. I’m living my best life. 17 year old me would be astounded at my life now. Living in my dream city, working in a place I used to frequent when I visited London, having a group of friends whom I adore and who accept me as me, following my favourite band around the country.

I am never happier than when I’m on that barrier, I have my friends around me and Take That are right there, belting out the songs I love. I may be broke and exhausted but I’m happy. I’m living a life that 17 year old me would be proud of, and surely that’s the most important thing? 

The day I met Jason Orange

Today is five years, a whole half decade since I met Jason Orange on a bench. Yesterday at work one of my customers was actually called Jay Orange which freaked me out a bit (his name wasn’t Jason, I did clarify).

I meant to go visit the bench today actually but I live so far from Kensington (I live East, Kensington is about an hour away which is a long trip to sit somewhere). Hey me of five years ago, you live in London now and you’ve met the rest of Take That. I don’t think you need to know what else happens to them though.

It was March 2^nd, 2012. About half 12 in the afternoon. Me and the bestie were wandering around Kensington trying to find somewhere to grab lunch, we’d only flown in that morning and were famished. We sat down in one place but no one paid us any attention and we decided to just grab Pret from the station instead.

As we were walking back, Amy started looking at the guy sitting on a bench and asking if it was Jason which to I went ‘Hah it’d be funny if it was because he’s sitting on a bench’. Then I looked properly, realised it was him and screamed. I ran/Amy dragged me behind a bit of wall so I could calm down. My legs were shaking like mad. After a few minutes I decided I was ready to go speak to him but Amy didn’t so Jason had to witness me walking up to him/Amy still trying to pull me back for some more calming down.

I stood in front of him and blurted ‘Jason I like love you so much’ and when he only replied ‘Right’ and I thought ‘Oh god it’s not actually him’, blurted ‘I’ve seen Take That live 14 times!’ And all smiley he went ‘Have you? Come sit down here’ which I did. I touched his leg (soz Jase) and went ‘You’re my favourite you know’ and he went ‘Am I?’ smiling even more. Oh god I was melting. Amy took some pictures and we started chatting.

We were chatting and I was just like 'I can’t believe I’m chatting to you’ and I didn’t want to be annoying him. He said I had a good eye and that people didn’t always recognize him with the sunglasses and the beard and I said 'Oh you’ve shaved, not shaved shaved but you’ve not got as big a beard’. I could not stop rambling.

At one point I went ‘I don’t want to be annoying you’ and he went ‘Nah you’re cool’ to which I shouted in his face ‘Oh my god Jason Orange just called me cool!’ to which he just burst out laughing. Sorry again Jay but years of low self-esteem don’t lead you to believe one of Take That will ever call you cool even if you didn’t mean it in that context.

I decided to quiz him on the next Take That album and asked when they going back in the studios to the words of ‘Gary’s off working and you’re here sitting on benches’. His reply to this, a couple of years later, made me realise why he left. ‘Gary like’s working though doesn’t he? I like sitting on benches.’ We agreed Gary worked too much and started talking about the tours.

He asked why we were in London ‘Oh you just over from Ireland for the weekend then?’ and we were like 'Yeah’. He asked what we were doing and I said nothing really and that I’d met him now and I could go home happy. I said we didn’t have much money to do anything and he was like 'Oh that’s my fault with all the concerts’ and I was like 'Yeah but I’d pay thousands for tickets’ and he was like 'Really?’ Yes Jason, yes, also me of five years ago, you’re pretty much doing that now. It’s so much fun.

I asked him if he knew the elephant’s name was Nellie and he said ‘Yeah, Nellie and Om’. I told him The Circus Tour was my favourite. He said most people said that and he was saying how he thought that they peaked at The Circus and that perhaps they were trying too hard with Progress, he didn’t know and I was sitting there going 'No no Progress was brilliant’ even though I completely agreed with him.

I eventually decided to leave and said we’d best go as I didn’t want to be annoying him too much and he was like 'It was lovely meeting you girls, enjoy your non-shopping shopping weekend cos I took all your money’. Then he put his hand out which I took and he pulled me into him for a hug and he kissed me on the cheek. I remember feeling the stubble on my cheek, my vision going black and all I could think was ‘Don’t scream, don’t scream’. And then we said bye and left. Amy told me she was saying thanks so much for talking to me and he had made my life and he said 'You’re more than welcome’.

So afterwards I went and called my mum, ran around Kensington Gardens going ‘Oh my god, oh my god’ and crying and not shutting up about it for weeks (ok months, ok years) on end. Even writing this up now has made me cry. I forgot how much I miss Jason, I know he’s happy which makes it ok and I adore the three boys. But yeah, he made those five minutes on a bench some of the best of my whole life. Thanks Jason, the whole thing is still as clear as day and you really did make my life.